Baker’s Dozen – Important information about the World Cup
In case you missed it, the US is hosting the World Cup. This is important. Keep reading.
Some of you may confuse the World Cup with the World Series. This is understandable because both events have “World” in the name and both involve large numbers of very drunk fans. Also, you have far more important things to do than pay attention to international mass boxing matches. Understanding and then explaining this to you is just another sacrifice I make because you are that important to me.
I will try to explain the difference. Please stay awake because I have more to say after the explanation.
Canada and Mexico will also host some of the games, but no one cares except people in Mexico. The World Cup ranks slightly higher than just being alive in Mexico. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
For those who don’t know, the World Cup is a worldwide competition to see which country’s sports fans can beat up other countries’ sports fans. The World Cup was going to be called The World War, but that name was already taken. Somewhere in there, soccer games will get played, except the rest of the world calls the game “football” because foreign people do not understand that the word football was created for the SEC.
Brazil is a strong favorite to take the World Cup this year, even if the fans have to rip it out of the hands of the actual winning team.
The World Cup is played every 4 years, like the Olympics, because countries that lose in the Olympics have a good chance of winning the fan fights at the World Cup.
I looked this next bit up because I do not want you, my favorite reader, to wonder. 48 countries are sending teams to the World Cup this year and 148 countries are sending fans to fight about it.
Countries with names like Uzbekistan, Uruguay, Croatia, Ghana and countries with bizarre punctuation in their names are sending teams. Countries like Unpronounciblestan, Istanistan, Elbonia, Boney M, Muzak and The Democratic Totalitarian Republic Of Alderaan are sending fans for the fights.
France is also sending a team and fans so they can show up and immediately surrender.
The World Cup is different from the World Series partly because the United States rarely gets to play in the World Cup. Also, the World Series is a different sport that determines which team’s fans can drink the most overpriced beer and eat the most questionable hot dogs in a converted football stadium.
Fans rarely fight at the World Series, even if the New York Yankees are one of the teams. Everyone hates the Yankees and no one is exactly sure why. It is just tradition at this point and sports events without tradition are as interesting as coffee stains on the diner counter. Well, less interesting if the coffee stain is still damp. You can doodle in the damp coffee.
Furthermore, every year, the United States wins the World Series. This is possible because the US is the only country in the world to send teams to the World Series. ‘MURICA!
The US has never won a World Cup.
Canada has a team that technically could compete in the World Series, but no one cares about them, not even Canadians. Canada has more important sports to think about, like Police Brutality on Ice, also known as hockey.
The important part of the World Cup is the fans who will come to the US and experience our food. By experience, I mean fans will try to down an entire slice of birthday cake mixed into a milkshake. The fan will go into a diabetic coma because foreigners do not have the American genetic background that lets us handle a diet of 50% sugar without collapsing immediately.
Those coming to fights, I mean games, in the South may also get the chance to experience real barbecue. They will want to stay in the United States forever, and who can really blame them? Have you ever experienced foreign food? Over-boiled cabbage is considered haute cuisine in Great Britain. Haute cuisine is Latin for “This food is too fancy for common people.”
People in France eat snails. No wonder they want to surrender. As prisoners or refugees, they could get some real food. People in the Congo eat caterpillars (mingo), caterpillars/worms (basololo), crickets (makelele), and termites (bandengu). I’d certainly be willing to fight a horde of crazed soccer fans to get some real food after just looking at a plate of that.
In Canada, visitors will get poutine, which is French fries covered with gravy and cheese curds. I ate that in Canada and it is awesome. Those going to Mexico will have all-they-can-eat tacos, which makes me want to visit Ol’ Meh Hee Co.
I am not sure what fans will eat in California and I do not want to know.
