Baker’s Dozen – In search of a boat

BOAT – N. A hole in the water into which one throws money.

Boats are best owned by someone else. Like you. Give me occasional visitation rights and I’m a happy guy.

Except I want a boat of my own. I want one big enough to take to the lake and fish for catfish until I catch enough for a church fish fry.

I do not want a boat so big it can go offshore and chase Jaws Jr.

I have owned a few boats in my life and borrowed some and watched other people own boats. Larry “Hawgin’” Fishbreath owns a canoe, jon  boat, bass boat, pontoon boat and an offshore boat. Titanic II, III, IV, V and VI. Much like Titanic I, some of these boats have spent  time on the bottom, but unlike the Titanic, Robert Ballard is not going to come looking for it in hopes of salvaging something useful  and you can sure bet Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are not going to make a movie about it. Burt Reynolds and a few other guys did make a movie about a canoe, “Deliverance” but the story of the canoe got lost amid Ned Beatty’s famous nude scene.

I own a canoe which is probably as old as I am. It’s great. No motor to blow up, catch fire, run out of gas or otherwise turn into a remarkably large paperweight 15 miles from the nearest boat ramp and 23 miles from the nearest help. Strictly paddle power which is great because when things go bad, you can take your frustrations out on your fishing buddy by whacking him in the back of the head with the paddle and saying it was an accident because you were trying to hit a mosquito, turn the boat, fend off an attacking buzzard/water moccasin/lawyer, etc. You do need to be sitting in the back of the canoe because if you sit in the front and turn around to whack your fishing buddy, he’ll see it coming and be able to fend your attack off.

I speak from experience.

Dad owned a boat which went by various names depending on how well the boat was functioning and how the fishing was going. Among the names were Titanic, Watermelon King and Dammitalltocantusethatlanguageinanewspaper. The last was usually uttered as we were right on the edge of losing sight of land in the Gulf of Mexico and the motor died and we weren’t catching fish. As long as we were catching fish, the boat could have a hole the size of a No. 2 washtub and Dad would fish with one hand and bail water with the other.

Dad also owned a jon boat. He launched it into the pond by the house one day so we could float out and plug the pond drain. My brother went with us. In the middle of the pond, he pulled the drain plug, a sweet potato. Yes. I am not kidding. The boat began to fill with water. By fill I mean the water flowed into the drain plug hole slightly faster than a dehydrated football player could drink it.

Positive we were in immediate danger of sinking, I panicked, paddled close to the bank and jumped out. The idea of being on a sinking boat, even 15 yards from the bank terrified me. I was certain I’d drown, because that’s what happened to people when boats sank. Never mind at the time I was fully capable of swimming across the pond and did so on occasion.

Regardless, I wasn’t the captain and I was not about to go down with the ship.

Over the years I have run out of gas, sank boats, fallen out of them, grounded them on a sand bar, seen them fall off a trailer and once lost a boat completely for a few hours.  I have yet to shoot a hole in one like Hawgin’ once did, but that’s another story.

Despite the headaches and aggravations and constant expenses, one of these days I’m gonna have another boat capable of fishing the river and lakes. It’s just something I need to be complete.

If you have a fairly decent boat and want to part with it for a reasonable fee, please let me know.